This is in no way a rant, in fact I couldn’t be happier, but sometimes such events can trigger a personal emptiness that you want filled, leave you with more questions than answers and a desire to have your future read out to you.
This week, and it seems the months surrounding have had a number of events that have triggered such emotions and thoughts.
I guess this week has been the engagement of my friend, and in the past it has been similar triggers. The happiness I feel for my friends engagement isn’t described with words, I know she would be jumping with joy, perhaps over analyzing things a little and laughing at herself for over thinking things in the past, she has the best time ahead now planning her wedding and an even better future planning it with her significant other. But all the happiness I feel cannot stop the slight emptiness that I feel from such an event occurring… I want that.
I feel somewhat detached from the events now that I am in the South of the state, if I had been in the North I would have had this information passed on face to face I have no doubt, I would have seen her for coffee or dinner and she would have told me with her big smiling face and I would have hugged her to death.. Well not quiet, she has to attend her own wedding. But I’m not, I am down here, and for all the right reasons and I feel I have made the best choice for myself and I love the changes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t miss your friends, family and want to be in among the events that feel as though they take place without you.. Do people think of me during these?
Now I know my initial problem, um there is now no guy… but there was, once. And there will be again in the future I am sure of it, I can’t be that unlikable! For whatever reason it didn’t work out before, it wasn’t the right time, we had other plans and things change, as people we change and develop and sometimes we even need to learn who we are again for ourselves before we can let anyone else in and give them what they deserve. I think I am at that point.
But while I have learnt this, and I know it makes sense, I am a planner, thinker, and I love direction and knowing where I am headed, I want to be supported and I want to know what to do. I thought I had it all mapped out, and felt content, now I am starting at square one.
To be honest I am not sure I know how to date. I think I am so much me that I might scare someone off. How do I hide that the little things piss me off, how do I censor my thoughts and more importantly my words, what’s not okay to say and how much is too much… I think I need a dating coach.
But I guess for once it’s not in my control. I have to see how things pan out, let myself meet people, get to know them, let them know me, take things slow, be social and spontaneous, not close minded, be patient and accepting of differences and embrace the change. I think recently I have embraced a lot of change, and perhaps that’s why this area is feeling daunting to me. One thing at a time.
It will all for into place, eventually.
I think that’s my most in depth post yet.